I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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