I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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