Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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