he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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