I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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