You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She bit a glass in half.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
