There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
