dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
