I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
