The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
