They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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