Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize