Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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