so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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