God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
