Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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