Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
