We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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