On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
