I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
