Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
