thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Bring me that man meat
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