Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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