i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
