Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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