Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
