i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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