I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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