Old men and throwing up are my life now.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Pooping to opera.
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