saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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