Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
