Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
