I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
