i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
