I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
