hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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