I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
