Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
