I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
