Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my poor anus
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
