I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I did not marry a roomba.
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