Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
