oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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