Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
