I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
