Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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