hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
