i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
