I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
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Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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