Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
