you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
