Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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