I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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