If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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