oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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