i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
