dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
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splinters make it hard to masturbate
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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