she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
